I've written about the "pervasive power of the male sex drive" before, but today I want to talk about something related, but slightly different. I'm taking the usual risks associated with making generalizations, as well as the possibility of contributing to sexist and heteronormative stereotypes. But I believe it will be worth it, in order to examine what I feel is an overlooked aspect of male sexuality.
If it's true, as they say, that women have a "biological clock", compelling them to mate with an eligible bachelor and start having babies (before it's too late), I believe that men have a correlate impulse. But it's a little more rounded (or at least it is in my case) than the single-minded drive to fuck.
I just don't think we give proper weight to how important it is, psychologically, for a man to have positive and meaningful interactions with the type of person he is attracted to. We write men off as being horndogs and womanizers, mindlessly driven by a disgusting appetite - and, unfortunately, a lot of men behave this way out of a deficit of good character traits. But the reality is - at least in my estimation - that relating to attractive women (in the case of the straight man) is of critical value to a man's sense of satisfaction and self-worth.
Yet many men, for a variety of reasons, are unable to achieve this. In a perfect world, I would flirt with pretty girls easily and with regularity, and probably be less miserable for it (and less invested in spending time complaining about my life on the internet). But I have a social handicap that prevents me from being able to do this. I don't feel entitled to anything. My expectations are tempered. I'm not going to take my frustrations out on anyone else, because that would be unfair. I just want to be permitted to admire attractive people in a way that's respectful, without having to pretend that's not what I'm doing, and without shame or unreasonable social or legal barriers, in a culture that celebrates such things, absent the regime of moral judgment and censorship that I'm unfortunately accustomed to.
I've said that I would be happy just to flirt with girls. The truth is, there doesn't even need to be any sex involved. I actually prefer the safety and comfort of monogamy. I just want to have meaningful interactions with attractive people, and know that my company and companionship is appreciated by them. I think that, just like women want to feel physically desired by the men they're attracted to (because this is the way men typically express attraction), men want to feel appreciated and valued by women they find attractive (because this is how women express attraction). Maybe these two things are not that different. Or maybe my experience is atypical. It's been said [NSFW] that "the desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man." Perhaps I'm relating more to the woman's feelings, on account of my unconventional gender identity.
But it isn't enough just to be desired. You must be desired by those for whom you also feel desire. It's sad that I can't get the same feeling of satisfaction from someone who expresses a one-sided attraction to me. Don't get me wrong - I value that attention very much, and it contributes greatly to my self-confidence. But knowing you could have something you don't especially want just doesn't have the power of knowing that if you chose to, you could get something you desire. And therein lies the heart of the universal problem of unreciprocated attraction.
