"Super Hot"

My gender identity is somewhat at odds with my sexual orientation. If I were attracted to men, then I would have some incentive to transition and become a woman full-time. As it is, I'm attracted to women, and although my penis frequently gets in the way of me presenting as female, I kind of like the idea of using it to bring women pleasure.

It's a matter of statistics. The majority of the female population is attracted to men. A minority is attracted to women, and probably even less than that is attracted to a man who likes the idea of being a woman. I still get attention from women when I'm presenting as one, but I feel like it often involves checking out my clothes, or evaluating me as a rival for the attention of men (of which I get more than enough).

When I do get "clocked" as a man crossdressing as a woman, the female sex unanimously gives me more positive attention than males. Girls like sensitive guys who are interested in understanding the female experience, a lot more than guys like guys who "trick" them into checking them out by dressing like girls. And I really appreciate that. But it's completely different from a girl checking you out because she thinks you're hot, and wants to jump your bones.

Evolutionarily speaking, most women are going to be instinctively attracted to masculine characteristics. It's one thing to say that even when I'm wearing a dress, I'm still "really" a guy, and women are still going to be attracted to that. If men are responding to my sexual cues, though (even the straight ones, I mean), then I doubt I'm sending off the signals women are wired to respond to.

At the risk of stereotyping, women are typically going to be more attracted to things like muscles and facial/body hair, and clothes and activities that are culturally associated with men, and not dresses and long hair and smooth skin and painted nails and things like that. Not that there aren't exceptions, but they more frequently come à la carte, and the woman who likes a man fully presenting as a woman more than one looking all manly is going to be rare.

And that's one of my concerns about embracing my female gender identity, because I really like getting that kind of attention from the opposite sex. I've worried in the past about whether I'd get more attention from girls if I embraced my masculine side more, but I really enjoy (and prefer) being feminine. Nevertheless, my recent experiences building up a little bit of muscle tone, and jogging shirtless at a nearby park, have borne out my hypothesis.

Just the other day, I was coming around the trail, which circles a water park, and I spotted a hot girl in a bikini standing just inside the fence. I may have kinda checked her out, and then continued around the loop. Next time around, I see her hanging out by the fence with some friends, and when she sees me, she stands up in front of the fence, with her back to the pool, and unties her bikini top and flashes me! I hear one of her friends say, "I saw that guy yesterday," and then one of them shouts out, "guy in the black shorts, you're super hot!"

You know you're doing something right when teenage girls are flashing you just to get your attention. It makes all the effort I've put into exercising more and indulging less in junk food totally worth it. And if I were presenting as a female that day, I doubt that would have happened. Still, I'd hate to lose out on all the fun of getting dressed up in girly clothes - men's fashion is so dull. I guess I'll just have to stick to being bigendered, and reaping the advantages of both sides of the gender coin.

If I can play up my masculine cues to draw female attention, and then still indulge in female pleasures, then maybe that'll make women like me all the more! After all, when the one girl said she saw me yesterday, that must have meant she saw me in the hot pink swim shorts I was wearing shamelessly that day, which no manly man I know would be caught dead wearing in public. There are worthwhile advantages to being straight and non-homophobic, I tell you!

If you can't handle me in the nude...

(Fans of my photography may be surprised to learn that there are people who don't appreciate the view of my naked body, but I remind them that there is a lot of diversity among the human race). :-p

[description: clone portrait of a nude man and a clothed woman conversing over a table]
"If you can't handle me in the nude,
then you don't deserve me when I'm dressed."

As a somewhat militant nudist, I really do feel this way at times. In all fairness, I'm not generally in the habit of springing my nudity on unsuspecting individuals like the Naked Rambler does, for example. Not that I don't support his activism - I think it takes all kinds for a revolution to occur, and not just the comfortable, well-adjusted kind - but I guess I feel like I have more to lose, and so I actually spend a large percentage of my life making myself uncomfortable and hiding my nudity in order to suit the whims of a majority whose beliefs I don't agree with (now if only they would show me the same consideration...).

But I do kinda feel like - nudism being as significant a part of my life as it currently is - that if you can't handle my casual approach to nudity even in the presence of others, then I'm not sure I want to waste my time dealing with you, regardless of whether it's in a clothing optional environment or a textile one. If that's something you just absolutely refuse to accept, then yeah, I kinda take that personally, and you may as well just keep moving along.

You don't have to necessarily like it, and you certainly don't have to participate in it yourself, in order to earn my respect. You just have to be okay with it being an important part of my life, and be capable of not making a big stink about it if I don't adhere to a completely textile mindset every time and in every context you happen to drop by. I can get along with people who are not themselves nudists, but I have increasingly less patience for people afflicted by a toxic and unreasonable taboo surrounding nudity.

And if I can tolerate the existence of textiles without insisting they all get undressed, then textiles should be able to tolerate the existence of nudists without insisting that they all get dressed. I'm not asking textiles to change their lifestyle (I may recommend it, but I don't demand it), I'm just asking them to let me live my life the way I want to - even where that life crosses paths with others. They're the ones insisting that I change my lifestyle to suit their values. In what's supposed to be a free country! And yet, textiles still have the nerve to tell me that I'm the one being unreasonable! If I'm a little bit bitter, I hope you can see why.

The Incredible Hunk

(I refer you to my previous note on narcissism). :p

[description: portrait of a nude man flexing]

Last weekend, my roommate was moving some things around the apartment, and she had one of our mirrors sitting out, and I caught a glimpse of my reflection (not that this is an uncommon occurrence), and I was legitimately surprised by what I saw. Now, I'm not saying I'm Arnold Schwarzeneggar or anything - I don't have any desire to be that muscle-bound - but part of the fun of exercising and working out is seeing the results of it on your body. Who hasn't ever flexed in front of a mirror? Well, it totally inspired me to do a photoshoot to document what I was seeing.

[description: series of portraits of a nude man flexing in different poses]

As I've said before, I have no desire to be a bodybuilder. But I can't deny that a little muscle tone goes a long way in making me feel more attractive!

Try This On For Size (Fantasy Edition)

[description: nude fitting room selfies from front and back]

So I went to my local clothing optional boutique - because, what's the point of getting dressed to go to the store when all you're gonna do is get undressed again in order to try on clothes? (I brought my hoodie because it was unseasonably cold that day). I was looking for some more abandoned prom dresses to try on, but there wasn't much to find. I saw a very pretty green one - like in a Tinkerbell shade - but its zipper was completely busted, and there was no point in even trying it on. So I decided to try on another bikini instead.

[description: fitting room selfies from front and back, in a neon pink bikini]

This neon pink bikini totally caught my eye. Can you imagine how eye-catching I would be if I wore it to the pool? But the top is another bandeau-style top, which isn't optimal for my body shape, as I discussed before. It's too bad, because I really like the idea of a strapless top. The suit looks real cute from the back, though! I've bought bikini bottoms alone before, but unless I plan to wear it like a Speedo (like I do with my black cherry bikini bottoms), there's not a whole lot of point in having it if I don't have a matching (or otherwise complementary) top to wear with it...

[description: fitting room selfie in a sports bra and athletic shorts]

So I hit up the next store, and tried on a couple other things. I wanted to try some athletic clothes - I've been wondering how I would look wearing a sports bra. Obviously, I like the idea of being less covered. Being completely topless would be ideal, but this is a more feminine alternative. Although, with the way I've been going shirtless lately, maybe it's a moot point. But it's still rare to see men in the kind of skimpy shorts that I like to wear (and that tends to raise eyebrows when I'm topless).

[description: topless fitting room selfie in an alternate pair of shorts]

The shorts I tried on with the sports bra were way too big and bulky (it's getting harder to find tight, short athletic shorts - I wonder if that's a symptom of exercise becoming trendy and drawing in a "larger" demographic - though I guess that's ultimately a good thing). I tried on these other shorts which looked cute on the rack - they kind of have the look of a denim short, but they're made out of a very light and soft material. But I only felt so-so about them after I tried them on.

[description: fitting room selfie in a red, white & blue one piece swimsuit with cut-outs]

Finally, I gave this American flag-design monokini a try. Maybe a full one-piece swimsuit would be different, but it's clear to me that this style of garment is not for me. The openings on the sides look very awkward. You're practically wearing a bikini, except there's this strip of fabric over your tummy. Even though I'm a little bit self-conscious about my tummy, I'm much better off just wearing a bikini. Perhaps I should be thankful that I actually have a bikini body (relatively speaking). Still, it was worth a try.

[description: nude fitting room selfie, with erection]

Time to step out of the fitting room, march back through the length of the store, and get in my car and drive home!

Gods & Goddesses

Not to sound conceited, it's just that - as an erotic model (and self-portrait photographer) - it's kind of in my job description to present myself as an icon of desire.

[description: portrait of a nude torso indoors, framed by cascading locks of golden curls]

I don't even care that there's a penis clearly visible; this image just screams "goddess" to me. Maybe it's because I've always thought that long, wavy hair on a woman is just divine. Alternatively, you could interpret it to mean that I worship the Goddess to such an extent that I've embraced and internalized the feminine spirit (which is not far from the truth).

It's possible that my understanding of what constitutes masculine and feminine has been eroded by exposure to my own gender nonconformity, but I am endlessly fascinated by the effortless way that I blend male and female characteristics. It's ironic, because I've always thought that males and females looked better in their pure, distilled form, and that androgynes were unappealing chimeras.

But now I think it's a shame that people - the transgender and transsexual included - are pushed to conform to one of two models, when there is a whole spectrum of fabulousness to indulge in. And why should a person's gender - binary or not - remain rigid day in and day out? Why can't I be a man one day, and a woman the next? I get a kick out of the fact that I can switch between the two so fluidly.

[description: bathroom mirror selfie of a nude man with waist-length hair, flexing his muscles]

Porch-rait

[description: a man in a sarong sits on the porch smiling, while exposing a prominent erection]

My close friend and occasional photographic assistant took this picture while we were lounging on the porch one day, during a playful moment when I was getting a little naughty. By her own admission, she doesn't have a strong talent or motivation to be a photographer, but I always enjoy seeing the results after one of those rare times when she gets inspired to capture a little bit of what she sees in me.

I wish I had more pictures like this one - genuine portraits, in contrast to the carefully posed shots I invariably take. Not that the latter aren't valuable - I've surely built my whole portfolio around them - but there's a piece missing, that you can see in shots like this one. If it's true that a portrait is a document of the relationship between the subject and the artist, then certainly this picture demonstrates one of the best facets of the relationship between me and the photographer. We are very open and comfortable with each other - and we're both huge perverts, which makes our lives fun and exciting, all of which I think is exemplified by the warm smile on my face.

There's something magical about the ability to capture a moment in time, or a person's demeanor or personality, in a photograph like this. I think I'm so amazed by it because it's something that eludes me, as an artist who is locked into the constraints of having to meticulously set up every shot I take, because it is of me, and I can't be photographer and model simultaneously. Even with the many mirrors I set up around my house to spark my creativity, chances are when I see a pose or a moment I want to capture, I have to grab my camera first, and then try to recreate it.

It's not that I'm a total narcissist - although I couldn't blame anyone for thinking that, judging from my photography - but I actually have considerable difficulty interacting socially with other people, so to get to a point where I could take casual pictures of them is exceedingly rare and difficult. Plus, you have to have the sort of person who's willing to expose themselves on camera - which requires a certain level of trust in the photographer, that he will strive to flatter the subject - but is also a skill that good models have, to be able to actually relax and get comfortable when somebody is taking pictures of you, and not freeze up and get nervous like most people do.

Still, it's something I hope I'll get a chance to try...someday.

Try This On For Size (Summer Edition)

I do love the summer. Even on the days when you're not out in the heat and sunshine getting exercise, you still get to see all the girls at the stores dressed in their summer clothes, designed for one thing - exposure. Especially their legs, given the runaway popularity of short shorts and flip flops these days (which I couldn't be happier about). I feel like a kid in a [eye] candy store!

It's amazing how much I've changed over the last several years, considering that I used to be a night-blooming hermit. Not that I'm a different person than I used to be (I'm still a night owl, in spite of the fact that the very presence of the sun tends to improve my mood considerably); but if you had told me ten years ago that I would ever get excited about shopping for shoes, or that I would ever spend hours in the mall without visiting a single electronics store (to look at CDs, DVDs, etc.) voluntarily, and be perfectly satisfied, I'd have told you you were crazy. But that was before I found out how much fun it is being a girl!

I was looking for some hiking sandals to replace the ones I bought many years ago that are finally starting to fall apart, and this is a good opportunity for me to get something in a more feminine style. I want something sturdier than a flip flop that I can wear for rugged walking (not that I haven't hiked in flip flops before, but they're not optimal for that kind of activity), but something that doesn't require me to wear socks (so, less laundry in the summertime!), and that I can slip on and off pretty quickly in case I'm out in the woods and get inspired to create some nude art!

The trouble, though, is that it's hard to find something that satisfies my three criteria: 1) it has to be a style I actually like (I'm willing to compromise on something so-so, but if I think it's just simply ugly, I'm not going to enjoy wearing it), 2) I have to be able to find it in my size (which is very difficult when shopping in stores, where you can actually try the shoe on and see if it fits comfortably), and 3) it has to be affordable (again, I can compromise by paying a little more for something I really like that's in my size, but right now $100 is a lot more than I'm willing to spend on a pair of shoes).

[description: car selfie in a t-shirt and short shorts, splattered with rain]

Switching gears, I got a little wet walking across the parking lot in the rain, but I didn't mind - my philosophy is that you have to get caught in a thunderstorm at least once each year or you haven't really experienced summer. A little heavier, though, and I would have risked wet t-shirt contest levels of soakage. The wetness, however, totally inspired me to try on some swimsuits, just for fun (because I don't actually need one - I already have more than I can wear). So I grabbed a couple cute bikinis off the racks and headed for the fitting room. It was pretty crowded, so they stuck me in the handicap fitting room, but it was really spacious and featured two mirrors at right angles!

[description: fitting room selfies from front and back, in a bikini with bandeau top]

This is the first bikini I tried on. In hindsight, I don't think it fit me that perfectly, but I thought it was really cute at the time. It kept me all covered up, and yet at the same time, I was excited by all that exposed skin, and the thought that this was something you would actually wear, as a complete outfit (albeit to go swimming in). Bikinis are awesome! I like the style of the bandeau-like top, but maybe it's not the best choice for my body - since I don't really have the breasts to fill it out, and instead it kind of pinches off the top of my pecs, and, frankly, emphasizes the width of my shoulders.

[description: fitting room selfies from front and back, in a hot pink string bikini]

This is the second bikini I tried on. It's another cute design, this time with more pink; it even looks a bit neon. I like it; it's your typical string bikini, which means minimal coverage and maximal hotness. That also means I have the typical trouble with it - particularly the bottoms. The strings just aren't enough to counter the pressure exerted by my package, so that even if it keeps me in, it doesn't do a good job of staying up and on. The top, on the other hand, looks great on me. The triangle shape complements my shoulders much better, and there's even a little bit of curvature to give the hint of breasts.

I'd like to think that I have more trouble trying on swimsuits than other women, given the rare challenges presented by my situation, but the truth - to the extent that I've witnessed it - is that pretty much all women have trouble finding the right swimsuit for their body. But in my case, there's not so much anxiety about how I'll look as sheer excitement at seeing it on my body. As long as it's skimpy and sexy, I tend to like it, and if I had less sense, I'd probably buy every bikini off the rack that I thought was mildly attractive.

As it is, though, I have little if any opportunity to actually wear a bikini, as cute as I think they are, and as much as I'd like to have an excuse to wear one. By their very nature, bikinis leave little to the imagination, and if I do a pretty good job of giving people the impression that I'm female at a glance, there are some things that are hard to hide. I've read about "tucking", and even tried it once or twice, but I was very unimpressed with the results. Even to the extent that it may be effective at reducing my bulge, I wonder just how practical (and comfortable) it is if I'm going to be active.

I wonder (with anxiety) at the reactions I would get, too. A man wearing a dress is bad enough, but the more skin you're showing off, the more frustrated men tend to get when they realize they just eye-banged a "dude". And that doesn't even take into consideration the sexist rules at my local water park. A girl could wear that neon pink string bikini without any trouble at all, but as soon as a lifeguard notices what I'm packing, I'm suddenly in breach of their arbitrary dress code.

And then there's the ever-present question of which bathroom/locker room I should use. It's easy for you to say, "if you have a penis, use the men's room," but do you think I feel comfortable in the men's room looking all girly and wearing a bikini un-ironically? As much as I hate to do it, it's just simpler to play the role of a guy when I go swimming, and endure the comments of "mommy, that girl doesn't have her top on!" (I can't win either way, can I?).

But to end on a happier note, one of the two mirrors in that fitting room where I tried on the bikinis was definitely a "skinny mirror". I know I've recently been getting into better shape, but wow that mirror made me look skinny! I know it's just an illusion, but damn, I liked what I was seeing. I may have gotten a little carried away... :-3

[description: fitting room selfies from front and back, nude with erection]