The genesis of this blog was founded on the proposition that we should be truthful about the things that we find beautiful (in particular, from an erotic perspective). I've spent these last 10+ years exploring what I find attractive through my photography (within the limits of self-reflection), and discussing it unselfconsciously on this blog. But in my years of shooting self-portraits for adoring fans, I've come to realize that it's also important to trust in the truth of what others find beautiful. Especially when that beauty is in you.
We all have hang-ups and insecurities about our appearance. While it can be a selective profession, modeling has taught me how to view myself from another's perspective. (Having an adoring partner that you trust can also have this effect, but I find that being admired, repeatedly, by complete strangers who have nothing to gain from flattering me - except seeing more to admire - is pretty compelling evidence).
Nobody's perfect, and people can sometimes be cruel, but it's often true that we are ourselves our own harshest critics. So be kind to yourself, and when somebody tells you you're beautiful, don't contradict them. I feel like our culture makes self-confidence out to be a personality flaw, but honestly, I think self-deprecation is unattractive. If you don't believe in yourself, then why should anyone else believe in you?
"Oh beautiful, why are you so blue?
If you could only see the way I see you."
- Joe Bonamassa
Friday, April 23, 2021
Wednesday, April 21, 2021
Understanding Exhibitionism (in a Consent Culture)
Perhaps I am too critical of those who misunderstand exhibitionism, because I am still trying to understand it myself. Though to be fair, the least I expect is patience, and to be given the benefit of the doubt, while most people would rather just plug their ears and go on judging people by their ignorant stereotypes. I know this much: standing naked in the garage with the side door open may turn me on, but I don't actually want my elderly neighbor across the street, or the visitor she's talking to on her porch, to see me like this. I really don't. That would be as traumatizing to me as I can only presume* it would be to them.
I might have some fantasy in my head of a world where public displays of sex are accepted and everybody is attractive (because I don't know about you, but being a voyeur doesn't mean I want to see just ANYONE "getting nasty" - and maybe that's the whole point of keeping these things private?). But I know that's a fantasy and not the way the world is. And I don't want anyone to "catch" me except those who I know are looking for it (which is why I do it in online environments that are vetted for consenting viewers (although I don't believe that tasteful depictions of nudity and even sexual acts ought to be considered inappropriate for public view, that's the world we currently live in)) but also won't be likely to harass me - whether it's in the form of negative or positive attention (which is why I do it anonymously online and not with people I know and interact with regularly in person - so I don't have to be a "sex idol" 24/7).
An Aside
*I may be projecting by even considering the possibility that anyone would NOT be traumatized by the sight of their neighbor engaged in sex play**, but the fact is, if our roles were reversed in this instance, I would not mind. (I can only dream of living next to an attractive exhibitionist when I grow old - it would truly brighten my life). And so it's really not fair to eliminate the possibility, however rare it may be.
Furthermore, I know that, in consent culture, asking is preferable to making assumptions, but would you really have me initiate a conversation about sexual fetishism with my [elderly, I remind you] neighbor? Even if I weren't a social recluse (who doesn't keep a running conversation with my neighbors), that would still seem inappropriate.
Anyway, the question is moot, because even if they would be interested, I myself probably wouldn't be comfortable with that. The ideal approach would be total indifference, so I could just do my thing without interference (one way or another). Although, even that would present issues, as (ironic though it is for an exhibitionist) I become very self-conscious in situations in which I know that at any time somebody could be watching me. (I suppose it's not a coincidence that this makes staying out of sight, as well as performing on camera instead of in front of people, much more appealing to me).
**On second thought, what has this world come to that this is not at least a natural consideration? Of course it is understood that there are people who would love to see their neighbors naked, but the difference is that nowadays they are considered dangerous and not simply mischievous. But can we not separate the willingness to circumvent the law and privacy (antisocial criminal behaviors) from the appreciation of erotic stimuli? Why are voyeurs so summarily dismissed without considering the existence of exhibitionists (and vice versa)?
Back on Track
Getting back to the subject at hand, there is the fact that, psychologically, when I encounter a liminal space (such as a window or a door or a gateway) - a space where I can be in proximity to public view but still safely out of sight - even (or perhaps especially, provided I know I am not in immediate danger of being spotted) when there are people blissfully unaware on the other side...I say, occasionally (which is to say, certainly not every time), when I am in the right frame of mind and I encounter such a space, the thought or the act of being naked and/or naughty in that space can really turn me on. It's not that I WANT it to. It just does. And it feels great. And as long as nobody else gets involved - or even knows that it has happened - then is there any harm?
I don't actually want to step out and surprise anybody (I'm not saying I wouldn't necessarily enjoy the experience of performing in front of an adoring audience, but that's hardly the sort of situation one commonly encounters in everyday life). But there is a thrill in the taboo - the naughtiness of juxtaposing sexual and non-sexual life. Coming as close to that boundary as is safe without going so far as to actually get caught* (it's safer than autoerotic asphyxiation, after all).
Getting Caught
*Now, I know, there are voyeurs and exhibitionists that think getting caught is part of the appeal. And it can certainly be a thrilling experience (in a similar way that staring death in the face can be "thrilling"). I think I can understand that. In a world where the person catching you is, at worst, a little shocked and dismayed but not otherwise harmed, and at best, appreciative of the unexpected view - then yeah, that can be exciting, in a way that it wouldn't be in a world where this sort of thing were commonplace. But in a world where people complain about the trauma of being "nonconsensually exposed" to nudity and/or sex, and make anyone resposonible for that sort of thing out to be a dangerous predator**, it loses a lot of its appeal.
**I'm not gonna lie, the fact that people suffer instead of appreciate this kind of light-hearted sexual mischief disappoints and confuses me. I know there are people out there who misbehave and hurt others in the process, and that's tragic. They hurt conscientious perverts as well as the victims they target, but it's much harder for the perverts to disassociate themselves because the predators are using the same tools as they do, albeit for more nefarious purposes. But why do we give abusers the power to ruin sex for everyone? As Lola from Big Mouth so eloquently put it, "touching boobs and rubbing fronts doesn't make you feel shitty; mean jerks make you feel shitty. If there weren't any mean jerks, it would be fine."
Being Seen
For some people, there is an intrinsic appeal in being seen while engaged in sexual behavior. Certainly not everyone would agree, but this is the basis for exhibitionism. Sex is such a secret, compartmentalized aspect of our lives. To be completely open about it can be a liberating feeling. So "getting caught" is just a form of letting go and allowing oneself to be totally uninhibited. Ideally, one would be seen by somebody who enjoys the view, but as hard as it is to find such an audience in a sexually-repressed culture* (the internet helps, but it's more visceral when it happens in person), one often has little recourse other than the occasional, not-so-unintentioned "oops" moment.
If this sort of exhibitionist mentality (i.e., "if people occasionally get caught having sex, it's no big deal") encroaches on the decorum of polite society, that's not an indictment of the exhibitionist impulse, or proof that exhibitionism is motivated by sinister intentions (e.g., "exhibitionists get off on disgusting other people"). It just means that we're neglecting exhibitionists, in the sense of not giving them sufficient opportunities to satisfy themselves in ways that don't disrupt society. It's not that society owes it to them, but it's in their interest to collaborate, rather than antagonize.
Besides, exhibitionists would be perfectly capable of applying their own imagination to the problem - it's not that we have to come up with a solution for them. We just have to give them the freedom to think of one, and the space to implement it - without cornering them and judging them, and burdening them with the shame of their feelings. Imagine what kind of a safe and consensual outlet virtual reality could provide to exhibitionists, yet we waste our energy condemning the application of entertainment technologies to addressing the human animal's natural and healthy sexual urges. A person that visits a "sex club" (or even just watches porn at home) should be considered a responsible citizen attending to his physiological needs, and not a filthy deviant. Sexual indulgence (within healthy limits) shouldn't be considered a "vice" alongside things like gambling, drug abuse, and violence.
*Do we live in a sexually-repressed culture? I think this is a hard question to answer, because in many ways we do, while in other ways we don't. It all depends on what segment of society you're canvassing, and what types of behaviors you're talking about. Pornography is a huge industry, yet sex work is still criminalized. Erotic stimuli pervades society (critics deem this "pornification"), yet innocent nudity is deemed inappropriate for public view. Casual sex and hetero-non-normative couplings are more tolerated than ever, yet we still cling to the medically-dubious diagnosis of "sex addiction". Consent culture promises to reduce the negative experiences that hinder many people's ability to achieve sexual satisfaction, and yet #metoo is training a whole generation to mistrust the value of their sexual feelings.
Conclusion
I'm not asking for permission to have sex in public. I suspect that wouldn't work out as well in reality as it might seem in fantasy. I'm just asking for exhibitionism to receive the respect of not being assumed to be an inherently predatory ("nonconsensual") class of desire - which places it in the category of unsupported kinks and fetishes even among otherwise sexually liberated and tolerant communities. I'm all for constructing a concept of "ethical exhibitionism". I just don't want to feel like an outcast even among sex-positive progressives, because nature dialed up for me desires from one bin instead of another. It reminds me a lot of the arbitrariness of determining that some people must wear skirts and others must wear pants, just because of the anatomy they were born with (and didn't get to choose).
I don't judge people for what turns them on, I judge them only for what they do with those feelings. But when we push marginalized communities into the corner, and withhold support for them in lieu of shame and judgment, that's on us, too. We're afraid of encouraging "deviant" desires, but the fact is, people will have those feelings whether they're encouraged to or not. The best thing we can do is keep an open dialogue about how one can manage those feelings in healthy ways, so they don't begin to manifest in unhealthy ways. People need to feel that society is on their side (which is not the same thing as giving them carte blanche), otherwise they will grow resentful and become more likely to turn to antisocial outlets.
I might have some fantasy in my head of a world where public displays of sex are accepted and everybody is attractive (because I don't know about you, but being a voyeur doesn't mean I want to see just ANYONE "getting nasty" - and maybe that's the whole point of keeping these things private?). But I know that's a fantasy and not the way the world is. And I don't want anyone to "catch" me except those who I know are looking for it (which is why I do it in online environments that are vetted for consenting viewers (although I don't believe that tasteful depictions of nudity and even sexual acts ought to be considered inappropriate for public view, that's the world we currently live in)) but also won't be likely to harass me - whether it's in the form of negative or positive attention (which is why I do it anonymously online and not with people I know and interact with regularly in person - so I don't have to be a "sex idol" 24/7).
An Aside
*I may be projecting by even considering the possibility that anyone would NOT be traumatized by the sight of their neighbor engaged in sex play**, but the fact is, if our roles were reversed in this instance, I would not mind. (I can only dream of living next to an attractive exhibitionist when I grow old - it would truly brighten my life). And so it's really not fair to eliminate the possibility, however rare it may be.
Furthermore, I know that, in consent culture, asking is preferable to making assumptions, but would you really have me initiate a conversation about sexual fetishism with my [elderly, I remind you] neighbor? Even if I weren't a social recluse (who doesn't keep a running conversation with my neighbors), that would still seem inappropriate.
Anyway, the question is moot, because even if they would be interested, I myself probably wouldn't be comfortable with that. The ideal approach would be total indifference, so I could just do my thing without interference (one way or another). Although, even that would present issues, as (ironic though it is for an exhibitionist) I become very self-conscious in situations in which I know that at any time somebody could be watching me. (I suppose it's not a coincidence that this makes staying out of sight, as well as performing on camera instead of in front of people, much more appealing to me).
**On second thought, what has this world come to that this is not at least a natural consideration? Of course it is understood that there are people who would love to see their neighbors naked, but the difference is that nowadays they are considered dangerous and not simply mischievous. But can we not separate the willingness to circumvent the law and privacy (antisocial criminal behaviors) from the appreciation of erotic stimuli? Why are voyeurs so summarily dismissed without considering the existence of exhibitionists (and vice versa)?
Back on Track
Getting back to the subject at hand, there is the fact that, psychologically, when I encounter a liminal space (such as a window or a door or a gateway) - a space where I can be in proximity to public view but still safely out of sight - even (or perhaps especially, provided I know I am not in immediate danger of being spotted) when there are people blissfully unaware on the other side...I say, occasionally (which is to say, certainly not every time), when I am in the right frame of mind and I encounter such a space, the thought or the act of being naked and/or naughty in that space can really turn me on. It's not that I WANT it to. It just does. And it feels great. And as long as nobody else gets involved - or even knows that it has happened - then is there any harm?
I don't actually want to step out and surprise anybody (I'm not saying I wouldn't necessarily enjoy the experience of performing in front of an adoring audience, but that's hardly the sort of situation one commonly encounters in everyday life). But there is a thrill in the taboo - the naughtiness of juxtaposing sexual and non-sexual life. Coming as close to that boundary as is safe without going so far as to actually get caught* (it's safer than autoerotic asphyxiation, after all).
Getting Caught
*Now, I know, there are voyeurs and exhibitionists that think getting caught is part of the appeal. And it can certainly be a thrilling experience (in a similar way that staring death in the face can be "thrilling"). I think I can understand that. In a world where the person catching you is, at worst, a little shocked and dismayed but not otherwise harmed, and at best, appreciative of the unexpected view - then yeah, that can be exciting, in a way that it wouldn't be in a world where this sort of thing were commonplace. But in a world where people complain about the trauma of being "nonconsensually exposed" to nudity and/or sex, and make anyone resposonible for that sort of thing out to be a dangerous predator**, it loses a lot of its appeal.
**I'm not gonna lie, the fact that people suffer instead of appreciate this kind of light-hearted sexual mischief disappoints and confuses me. I know there are people out there who misbehave and hurt others in the process, and that's tragic. They hurt conscientious perverts as well as the victims they target, but it's much harder for the perverts to disassociate themselves because the predators are using the same tools as they do, albeit for more nefarious purposes. But why do we give abusers the power to ruin sex for everyone? As Lola from Big Mouth so eloquently put it, "touching boobs and rubbing fronts doesn't make you feel shitty; mean jerks make you feel shitty. If there weren't any mean jerks, it would be fine."
Being Seen
For some people, there is an intrinsic appeal in being seen while engaged in sexual behavior. Certainly not everyone would agree, but this is the basis for exhibitionism. Sex is such a secret, compartmentalized aspect of our lives. To be completely open about it can be a liberating feeling. So "getting caught" is just a form of letting go and allowing oneself to be totally uninhibited. Ideally, one would be seen by somebody who enjoys the view, but as hard as it is to find such an audience in a sexually-repressed culture* (the internet helps, but it's more visceral when it happens in person), one often has little recourse other than the occasional, not-so-unintentioned "oops" moment.
If this sort of exhibitionist mentality (i.e., "if people occasionally get caught having sex, it's no big deal") encroaches on the decorum of polite society, that's not an indictment of the exhibitionist impulse, or proof that exhibitionism is motivated by sinister intentions (e.g., "exhibitionists get off on disgusting other people"). It just means that we're neglecting exhibitionists, in the sense of not giving them sufficient opportunities to satisfy themselves in ways that don't disrupt society. It's not that society owes it to them, but it's in their interest to collaborate, rather than antagonize.
Besides, exhibitionists would be perfectly capable of applying their own imagination to the problem - it's not that we have to come up with a solution for them. We just have to give them the freedom to think of one, and the space to implement it - without cornering them and judging them, and burdening them with the shame of their feelings. Imagine what kind of a safe and consensual outlet virtual reality could provide to exhibitionists, yet we waste our energy condemning the application of entertainment technologies to addressing the human animal's natural and healthy sexual urges. A person that visits a "sex club" (or even just watches porn at home) should be considered a responsible citizen attending to his physiological needs, and not a filthy deviant. Sexual indulgence (within healthy limits) shouldn't be considered a "vice" alongside things like gambling, drug abuse, and violence.
*Do we live in a sexually-repressed culture? I think this is a hard question to answer, because in many ways we do, while in other ways we don't. It all depends on what segment of society you're canvassing, and what types of behaviors you're talking about. Pornography is a huge industry, yet sex work is still criminalized. Erotic stimuli pervades society (critics deem this "pornification"), yet innocent nudity is deemed inappropriate for public view. Casual sex and hetero-non-normative couplings are more tolerated than ever, yet we still cling to the medically-dubious diagnosis of "sex addiction". Consent culture promises to reduce the negative experiences that hinder many people's ability to achieve sexual satisfaction, and yet #metoo is training a whole generation to mistrust the value of their sexual feelings.
Conclusion
I'm not asking for permission to have sex in public. I suspect that wouldn't work out as well in reality as it might seem in fantasy. I'm just asking for exhibitionism to receive the respect of not being assumed to be an inherently predatory ("nonconsensual") class of desire - which places it in the category of unsupported kinks and fetishes even among otherwise sexually liberated and tolerant communities. I'm all for constructing a concept of "ethical exhibitionism". I just don't want to feel like an outcast even among sex-positive progressives, because nature dialed up for me desires from one bin instead of another. It reminds me a lot of the arbitrariness of determining that some people must wear skirts and others must wear pants, just because of the anatomy they were born with (and didn't get to choose).
I don't judge people for what turns them on, I judge them only for what they do with those feelings. But when we push marginalized communities into the corner, and withhold support for them in lieu of shame and judgment, that's on us, too. We're afraid of encouraging "deviant" desires, but the fact is, people will have those feelings whether they're encouraged to or not. The best thing we can do is keep an open dialogue about how one can manage those feelings in healthy ways, so they don't begin to manifest in unhealthy ways. People need to feel that society is on their side (which is not the same thing as giving them carte blanche), otherwise they will grow resentful and become more likely to turn to antisocial outlets.
Saturday, April 17, 2021
Best of Both Worlds
This is the issue I have with nudism: I know that sex and nudity are two separate things. But performing naked on camera turns me on. Perhaps that makes me a bad model for nudism (despite the fact that I'm photogenic, I have skills and experience as a photographer, I'm willing to be photographed naked, I believe in nudism, and I'm passionate enough to spend time and effort advocating for it - but none of that matters if you bear the scarlet letter "P" for "Pervert"). But what's wrong with that, really? (Besides the fact that it makes it hard for me to focus on the song I'm playing :-p). It's a beautiful affirmation of life, after all. A penis pointing toward heaven should be a divine symbol, really. What have generations of boorish men done to besmirch this holy appendage, and why do I have to pay for their sins?
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