[Disclaimer: Since the art of satire is dead in this day and age, I feel compelled to preface the following paragraph by explaining that it was written sarcastically. In case you couldn't tell.]
Sex feels good. But it can only be permitted between two adults of opposite sex, and only within the confines of marriage, and only for the purpose of procreation. Orgasm is God's reward for continuing His cycle of creation, and helping to bring new life into the world. Any other use for orgasm goes against these plans and is thus an affront to God, and cannot be permitted. Recreational sex is hedonistic, sex outside of marriage is vulgar and disrespectful of the intended bond between man and woman, and any sex engaged between anything other than two adults of opposite sex is an ABOMINATION. Masturbators, adulterers, swingers, perverts, rapists, and child molesters are all equally detestable in the eyes of God and will spend eternity suffering in hellfire. Bear this in mind, all ye who would be loyal soldiers to the glory that is the Almighty God in Heaven: obey, and ye will be rewarded after you die and your immortal spirit has left this torturous mortal coil. Seek not to ease your pain in the here and now, for only through suffering - and encouraging the suffering of others - can you attain the everlasting favor of God. Amen.
