As a bit of background, you may know that the only photo sharing site I use anymore (since Flickr burned me) is DeviantArt [NSFW]. I'm happy to say that all my new stuff, including videos and photo sets in great volume, go to JustForFans [NSFW] (previously OnlyFans [NSFW], which still hosts a lot of archived material not yet available anywhere else) - I say happy, because it means I can get something back (even if just a token) from all the hard work I put in to creating my art. That said, I'm still in the process of posting old highlights publicly on DeviantArt, because I crave a level of attention and feedback I don't get from my small (but highly appreciated!) band of subscribers. It's the boon and the curse of being an exhibitionist - that what's done behind closed doors isn't nearly so thrilling as that which is ventured out into the public square.
Which, conveniently, brings me to the subject of this post. Most of what I see on DeviantArt is mildly interesting at best, outright offputting at worst (I won't even get into the proliferation of AI content, which is a separate can of worms) - the site is a veritable bazaar of fetishism. Which is, generally speaking, a good thing in my opinion. These people need some kind of outlet. If I come across a favorites gallery of obese models, hairy assholes, or dismembered corpses (I'm not even kidding), I can just gag and close the window. It's not my business to police other people's tastes. I still browse, in spite of these circumstances, because I do have a general curiosity about the various things that turn people on, but also because it's all fodder for my creative imagination as an erotic artist. And, well, sometimes you do find stuff that strikes your fancy.
Like this one animated short [NSFW] I stumbled across in somebody else's favorites gallery just today. Artistically, it's very well constructed. It consists of [mostly] still frames, but they effectively convey its story - which is a person on an empty train car stripping naked and cuffing herself to the seat (with legs forcibly spread wide open), out of reach of her clothes or any means of unlocking herself from her self-inflicted bondage. Although not depicted, the implication at the end of the short is positively tantalizing - that, now being trapped in this precarious situation, this person will have no escape as the train begins to fill up with passengers. I have to admit, the entire scenario turns me on immensely - a fact that troubles me very much.
Why should it trouble me? I'm not a prude. I'm not ignorant of my own sexual interests, either. I wasn't surprised that it excited me. I was troubled because this is a situation that is entirely unrealistic. Never mind the fact that I wouldn't go this far even if the opportunity presented itself. I couldn't even enjoy it because the outcome - the part not depicted - as much as it triggers excited anticipation, in reality it would be what ruins the whole experience. I don't want to be shouted at. I don't want to be arrested. I don't want to be humiliated by family and friends, when it becomes public knowledge that this is how I get my jollies. And I certainly don't want to be raped - by complete strangers even! Why, then, does the scenario turn me on so much?
I mean, sure, there's nothing wrong with having fantasies. (I have a similar fantasy that involves hopping on a hotel elevator naked and crossing your fingers - sort of an exhibitionism roulette). But the part that really troubles me most is the awareness - not that I am "perverted", twisted from some arbitrary designation of "purity" - but that I cannot have pleasure and satisfaction via routine, easily accessible methods. If at all. Why do I have to be turned on by these outlandish and unattainable scenarios, in a way that simply isn't possible in a run-of-the-mill sexual encounter? Sure, I can enjoy the physical sensations of vanilla sex. I'm not numb. But they don't thrill me on that same level. They don't drive me to desire. I could take them or leave them, but this - not having it leaves me feeling unsatisfied. Like there's a unique piece of life I could be enjoying, that I'm missing out on.
People treat fetishists so horribly. They think fetishes arise as a natural consequence of moral turpitude, and are a reflection of the corruption at the heart of a person's soul. You should see the things I've read about exhibitionism within the nudist subculture alone (I practically guarantee you can't open r/nudism without seeing at least one post hurling abusive insults at exhibitionists). We don't want to harm people. We didn't even choose to have these desires! We're not evil. We're not antisocial. We just want to experience pleasure, like you probably get to. Some of us manage much better than others - that's absolutely true. But it's not like society isn't filled with conventional horndogs who treat women poorly. The best of us shouldn't be judged by how the worst of us (or even most of us) behave.
I don't know what caused me to become perverted, and I don't think I'm responsible for it. But it's certainly not a desire to upset anyone. Why does exhibitionism turn me on? Probably due to the law of opposites. I'm a reserved loner. I'm literally scared of people. Maybe being fully exposed in that way appeals to me because it's a true loss of control - all the usual rules, the laws and boundaries by which my entire life is governed, are thrown out the door and it's a total free fall. Mind you, I've never let myself go to that extent; it's just a fantasy that thrills me, and fills me with longing. If only I could get that same feeling of satisfaction from a conventional night in the bedroom with a loved one...
Don't you pity the pervert? Because I sure do.
