Airbnb

[description: a feminine figure in a bikini lays out on a towel in the garden]

"...and this would be your housemate, Scarlett. So, will you be staying?"

[description: bathroom selfie in a sun hat, braided pigtails, and heart-shaped glasses]

I bought a pair of red, heart-shaped sunglasses recently (one more to add to my collection -_-;), and I thought it would be cute to pair it with a bright red bikini for a photoshoot. I went shopping but didn't find anything I liked well enough. But then I realized I already had a bikini with a cherry motif that would be perfect, and it dawned on me that I could totally recreate Sue Lyons' pose from Lolita! Although I prefer Adrian Lyne's adaptation, as it better captures the emotional intensity that forms the heart and soul of the story, I cannot deny that Stanley Kubrick's version is the more iconic of the two.

[description: fashion portraits in the garden, modeling a black cherry-patterned bikini]

In any case, I posed in my black cherry bikini, but I didn't really like the results I was getting. And the bikini itself wasn't fitting me right - the tube top has a tendency to curl downward (I think it had straps once, but they were lost before I ever inherited it). So, even though I'd painted my nails red just for the photoshoot, and had already repainted them teal for the weekend (mermaid theme at the pool!), I decided to give the pose another try. I figured I could just do the image in black and white so the colors wouldn't matter, and this other bikini not only fit me better, but was a better match to the original shot I was mimicking, besides. When I realized that it matched my teal nail polish, it was serendipity! And I'm much happier with the second day's results. The sun was out (it actually drizzled a bit while I was posing on the first day - good thing I was wearing a swimsuit!), and I had to shoot with my phone to better handle the dynamic range, but I think I pretty much nailed the pose, and the results look spectacular. So now I'm happy!

More Bikinis

[description: fitting room selfie in an open hoodie and flip flops and nothing else]

I headed to the store in my hoodie and flip flops to try on some bikinis, because what else can you do when you're riding out a severe thunderstorm?

[description: fitting room selfies in four differently colored bikinis]

There were some cute styles, to be sure, but the fits on them were all very iffy. As impractical a garment as this is for me (there are very limited circumstances under which I can actually wear a bikini outside of a private photoshoot - although that is also a valid reason to own some), I think bikinis are so much fun, I can't help being drawn to them. Repeatedly.

[description: fitting room selfies in casual clothes, and naked]

As feminine as my body may be, it's never quite feminine enough for me. Don't get me wrong, I like my body the way it is. I like to believe I have a healthy body image - I work to stay fit (and reap the psychological benefits), but I've come to terms with the imperfections that I can't change. Nor do I have an overpowering sense of dysphoria, like I was "born in the wrong body". The body I have isn't foreign to me - it's the one I'm used to, that I've inhabited since birth. It's just that I like the female body more; and not just to admire, since I can't ever seem to get enough of that. I suppose, if I had the privilege to follow girls into the changing room, watch them try on clothes, and take pictures of them in (and out of) their different outfits, maybe that would satisfy me. I don't know. But not being able to have that experience up close and personal bothers me. (Why do we live in a culture where this kind of adoration is villainized? I don't want to sneak up on unsuspecting strangers, but we hardly live in a society where it's appropriate to request to do this sort of thing). And it gets to a point where I want to be so involved in the experience of being a girl, that I may as well just be one myself, if only I could. I'm not deluded, and pretending to be something I'm not. I'm just trying to pursue the things that make me happy.

[description: fitting room selfies in two more bikinis, from front and back]

I mean, I can't tell you how much fun I would have if I were a full-blown girl. I know what it's like to find a cute outfit that you look pretty and feel confident in. And swimsuits are my favorite type of outfit, because they give you a rare excuse to expose most of your body in public and not be considered a perverted deviant. But given the impracticality of wearing bikinis for me, I feel left out. There just aren't comparable options in men's swimwear (considering that you have to go online to find men's swim briefs, they don't come in nearly as many - or as cute - styles, and the places you can wear them are limited compared to women's bikinis). So I'm robbed of the opportunity to go to the store, find a cute swimsuit that I look pretty and feel confident in, and then wear it out in public and get the attention and admiration I know I deserve (from observing the same thing happen when girls do this). All because my fashion compass is oriented towards the opposite gender to the one commonly associated with my biological sex...

Park Shorts

I shouldn't justify this idiocy with response, but I like expressing myself, and I consider my voice a counter to all the idiots in the world who should probably keep their mouths shut, but are too dumb to realize it. After all, they say the only thing necessary for ignorance to triumph is that learned men do nothing. (Or something like that :-p). So allow me to rant for a moment.

[description: outdoor selfie in a skimpy pair of shorts and no shirt]

I wore this "outfit" to the park on a humid, ninety degree day. Now, I'm not naive (but I'm not stupid, either), so I'm not gonna pretend to be surprised if some people thought I was in my underwear. In my defense, though, this is totally the sort of thing you'd see at the swimming pool. Granted, this wasn't the swimming pool, but I would consider it similar conditions - outdoors, being active, when it's so hot that my skin is literally slick with sweat. Do you really enjoy wearing clothes that are soaked through with sweat? If I don't see a sign that says "no shirt, no shoes", I'm not gonna cover up just for the hell of it, when it's this hot out.* I look at all these other people, most of which are fully dressed (even sometimes in long sleeves and pants, believe it or not), and I think they're crazy! Yet that's normal, and somebody feels compelled to shout at me from a moving car, "where are your clothes?" Like, what business is it of yours what I choose to wear? I'm the only one at the park reasonably dressed, and I'm the weirdo? Plus, these shorts are pretty fashionable, and damn if I don't look good in them.

*Although I don't think this is just about wearing shorts, because there was a guy in knee-length shorts (no shirt) playing basketball who didn't get any guff - rather, it's about what kind of shorts are acceptable for men to appear in public in. I mean, yeah, maybe they thought I was a girl, and I was topless. But does that sort of thing actually happen, that your first thought is "that's a topless woman in public" instead of "that's a dude in really girly shorts?"** I would have thought that walking around bare-chested would have been the sort of thing that would pretty much give away my anatomical sex, but...nah? I feel a little bit guilty dressing like a girl, yet still wielding the male privilege of toplessness, except that I support topfreedom for women, and wearing a top just doesn't make sense for me from a practical perspective, when I don't need one due to rules or whatever. Do I have to pick one of two scripts (traditional male versus traditional female)? Is it my responsibility not to fuck with people's expectations of gender? Well, it's not against the law, and I'm not about to stop doing it.

**On the other hand, I encountered a kid who insisted on referring to me with feminine pronouns (without any kind of prompting whatsoever), yet seemed completely unfazed by the fact that I was topless. So, I guess there's still hope for the next generation, lol.

I just hate that we as a species are 1) so tied to arbitrary taboos that make no sense (like staying fully dressed when it's hot as balls and you're working out), 2) so concerned with conformity that we'll pressure individuals to suppress their self-expression in order to be like everyone else (yawn), and 3) so hell-bent on ruining a good thing, like when an attractive person deigns to appear in public half-dressed. Fuck's wrong with you? I want more of that in the world! And here's another double standard that I hate: redneck girls and women who dress and behave so identically to men that it's often hard to tell (like, seriously, the girl Sam from that one episode of Family Guy wasn't even an exaggeration), yet wouldn't dream of considering themselves transgender, and have no qualms about criticizing a man (who does identify as transgender) for dressing like a girl. Like, are men such hot shit that women are allowed to emulate them, but it's a humiliating step downward for a man to emulate a woman?

Whatever. Fuck that shit. People are gonna be stupid. I don't care. It's not gonna change who I am. I'm not gonna let some lowlife (honestly not unlikely to be a drug addict, which says a lot about the value of their judgment) suppress my individuality and drag me down to their level. Okay, rant done. Life goes on.