Blue Light Xmas

[description: a pajama-clad figure stands in front of a lit-up xmas tree surrounded by presents]

You're probably familiar with this tradition by now. I'm wondering how much longer I ought to keep it going. Is there ever a point where it becomes appropriate to retire a longstanding tradition? On the one hand, when you keep doing the same thing over and over again, you eventually run out of ideas and it begins to grow stale; you want to reallocate that creativity to something a little more fresh. But on the other hand, how can you stop doing something you've been doing for so long? Like, one year, you're just going to wake up and decide, this is where it ends?

I'm fascinated with the passage of time, and photo projects of this sort, so I'll probably keep it up as long as I have the opportunity (and there's no telling how long that will last - due to all the factors that are outside of my control). In the end, I suppose the effort of taking a few pictures you might decide you don't want is easier than the agony of looking back and regretting not having taken them for whatever reason. Maybe it's a little bit narcissistic, but I'd like to believe that there could be some anthropological value in my extended archive of photographic memories, if I ever amount to anything in my life - or after it.

[description: series of bedroom portraits in different outfits under a string of blue lights]

In my new pajamas...

...my new Santa dress (a little bit more modest than in past years)...

...and out of it!

And a few bonuses. I think I have a fascination for shooting in this room mainly because it was off-limits for so long; it's one of the few places in this house that's still relatively "new" to me.

[description: series of nude portraits wandering a room down at the end of the hall]

And, with that, I think Xmas is finally over! Rejoice!

Why Nudism? (Part 16)

[description: b/w portrait of a nude figure sitting with entangled limbs in the corner]
Because I love my body.

Though I am a model today, it took me a long time to find the beauty within myself. I never thought I was attractive until other people started telling me so with some regularity. And though I love my body now, I've been told some pretty insulting things. My first time going nude in a social setting (not a specifically nudist environment - which was my mistake), I overheard somebody referring to me as an example of the type of person who "just doesn't look good naked". Yet nowadays I like to joke that it should be a crime to cover up my naked body with clothes! I've been called a "freakish man-woman thing", and have even been ridiculed for the size of my penis (by someone who's apparently never handled one and doesn't understand how they work). Yet I'm proud of the way I can bend genders, and my genitalia is more than adequate (exceptional, even - so I've been told) when it needs to be. The point is, it doesn't matter how beautiful or how ugly anybody thinks you are, you have to learn to love yourself. It doesn't happen automatically, but it's critical for your health.

Winter Coat

[description: a man standing in a garage opens his winter coat, and is naked underneath]

How do you tell if someone who is naked under their heavy winter jacket is an exhibitionist or just a nudist? I think it depends on the conditions under which they will open their coat. Of course, that's assuming the unflattering stereotype that exhibitionism relies on non-consent, when it could be the case that the exhibitionist simply enjoys the secret knowledge of being naked under his coat without needing anyone else to suspect anything unusual. What if it's not the shock and dismay, but the mere fact of being naked (to one extent or another) in a crowd or outdoors or in a public place that the exhibitionist takes pleasure in? And what if that pleasure is not strictly sexual in nature (in the sense of causing sexual stimulation, and being used directly as a masturbatory aid), but just something from which the "exhibitionist" derives delight? Are we not then just talking about a nudist? Or is a nudist not allowed to "enjoy being nude" too much? If this is neither nudism nor exhibitionism, then what exactly should we call it? We have words for non-explicit, sensual eroticism, but we do not properly recognize it for what it is - non-explicitly sexual. If it has anything whatsoever to do with sex, it's forbidden. Call something "erotic" and the masses rush to cover their children's eyes, and toss it into the stigmatized bin of "pornography".

I know it's "dangerous" (for nudists, at least) to blur the line between sex and nudity, but I hope you'll see that the line between nudism and exhibitionism (and also voyeurism) is not so clear cut. I'm not saying that to justify any kind of behavior that is not appropriate in a nudist context, but to demonstrate why these subjects so often get tangled up. It's not some insidious strategy by a cabal of perverts. It's human nature. And while we can dictate the rules at a nudist venue (and we should!) - to preserve the decorum of civilized society - we should understand that there are not two distinct peoples in the world: nudists, and exhibitionists; and that, somehow, exhibitionists "just don't get it". Sometimes they overlap. Sometimes nudity is erotic. And sometimes it's not. There is room in this wonderful world for both - we must simply have faith that man can learn where and when one is appropriate and the other is not (and then assist in teaching him). There's no reason to pledge allegiance to one and disparage the other outright. Perverts tend to accept this more readily than nudists do - although that makes sense, since the latter has more to lose. But I'll take the truth over political posturing any day of the week. And twice on Sundays.

In Your Eyes

I've mentioned before (though not often, as it's not a frequent occurrence) how much I like seeing how another person captures me in the camera lens. I'm intimately familiar with how I look posing in front of my own camera, and I like the high level of control it affords me over the creative process (in spite of its great limitations).

You'd think it wouldn't make much difference who's behind the camera, because what you're seeing in the frame is the same thing, but anyone with even a little experience with photography will know the ocean of difference that can exist between two people looking at the same scene, applying their own perspective, equipment, talent, and experience to capturing a shot. After all, a famous photographer once said that a photograph is a document of a relationship - the relationship between the model and the photographer.

I've long said that I wished I could make friends with some photographers, so I could have people at hand in casual, spontaneous situations to take pictures of me - situations where it's awfully difficult for me to set up a self-portrait, and which, as a result, haven't really been documented in my self-portrait photography. But I'm a bit of a recluse, and as such, I have only one person that hangs out with me a lot, who on rare occasions (she is, unfortunately, not a shutterbug by nature) feels inspired to take my picture.

Not being as experienced as me, the composition and framing of those pictures is not always up to my impossibly high standards, and I don't like not having complete control over my posing and, ultimately, how my body looks, but every now and then a shot will come out that resonates with me, and I'm always fascinated by the things I've never been able to capture in my own self-portraits - that casual, spontaneous feel; the real, unposed emotions; and those non-tripod-friendly angles. These are just a few fairly recent examples:

[description: series of clothed, nude, and erotic portraits not taken by the subject]

Why Nudism? (Part 15)

[description: a fit, nude man stands on a bathroom scale]
Because I take care of my body.

I suspect this is going to be another one of those reasons that maybe not all nudists share. But while the lifestyle accepts everyone with open arms, some will inevitably approach it from a health-conscious perspective. For example, one of the preeminent naturist magazines in the UK is titled "Health & Efficiency". Being exposed to bodies of all shapes and sizes has a positive, normalizing effect that serves to counter media exposure to images of perfection (more on that here). But part of loving your body includes taking care of it. After all, you can't live without it, and you only get one. So although you can learn to be comfortable in your skin, and love your body no matter what it looks like, it's still a good idea to look after your health. And while there is no excuse for waiting until you're fit to engage in nudism (because nobody is going to be judging you!), being naked around other people can have an encouraging effect on your desire to get and stay in shape. Whether you work out, exercise regularly, play sports, or watch your diet, if you take pride in your appearance, you should feel confident showing it off!